Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
