Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
