I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
