Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
