In the future we'll all be gay
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
