i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
