the condom got lost in my hair
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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