New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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