Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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