Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
