The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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