I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
