News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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