1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
