My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
im six kinds of drunk right now
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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