I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
