If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
