C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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