Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
