Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
