Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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