I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
