Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
