Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
