I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
