you would pick up someone in the library
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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