moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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