I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
