i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
