i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
