i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
