I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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