Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
