So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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