I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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