forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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