LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My vagina is officially offended.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
