ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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