I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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