Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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