Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
