Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
