Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
