the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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