I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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