I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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