On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
