Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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