So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
