i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize