We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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