There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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