Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
3pm strippers are depressing
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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